Archive for August, 2008

Recipe: Communist Salsa
18 August, 2008

Ingredients

1x avocado diced

Quarter of a red onion, diced finely

1x Tomato, seeded and diced

Tablespoon of Coriander, finely diced.

Lime Juice

Tabasco Sauce

Recipe:

1. Initiate a grass roots movement.  Organise meetings, copy and propagate communist propaganda, start an underground newspaper.  Should you live under an authoritarian, totalitarian or dictatorial government, it may be necessary to start underground cells, with each acting independently of the other.

2. Bring the movement to the people.  Organise rallies, begin a graffiti or other underground media campaign.  If you can, hijack a mass media broadcaster, like a tv-station or radio station.

3. Undertake a systematic campaign of sabotage and targeted assassinations.  Make sure to target those people or institutions whose collapse will best exemplify to the people the weakness and evil of capitalism.

4. While undertaking such a campaign, provide to the people who will suffer under the downfall of capitalism with the essentials to life. Do so alongside a campaign of communist propaganda so those who receive food hand outs will do so knowing it is the result of the International Workers Movement.  You will find this to be an easier thing to do during a time of war or economic downturn than during times of peace and prosperity.

5.  Once the majority, (or a large and highly active section), of the population is behind the cause, storm the seats of government and undertake a Kangaroo court with summary executions of the ruling class and/or royal family. It may be necessary to gain the support and/or overtake the military and police before doing so.

6. Hunt down all opposition and crack down on any dissent with an Iron Fist.

7. Now that you have control of the gears of government, seize all property in the name of the glorious revolution.  Collectivise farms, socialise essential social institutions and framework.  Make sure to keep up and maintain the systematic attack on any and all opposition.  Should you have wiped out all enemies of state, invent some.

8. Build a large military regime and invade your neighbours.  Utilising the domino theory, your enemies and all other countries will fall one by one.

9.  Once the worker’s dream has been acheived, make sure to dismantle the centralised power structure by which the revolution had been acheived.  The last thing you want is an oppressive government as bad or worse as the one you replaced!

10. Mix all ingredients together until lime juice covers all ingredients evenly.  Serve on tortillas or toast. For a more hearty meal, mixed with a can of flavoured tuna.

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QIYUF#3
17 August, 2008

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang was a book done by Ian Fleming.

You can tell because the heroine’s name is Truly Scrumptious.

Weirder still, when it was turned into a film, the script was done by Roald Dahl.

The Men from Brazil.
16 August, 2008

Once Mengele had been tried and hung, the question of what to do with his army remained a potent and problematic issue to the Brazilian government.

20,000 Hitler clones weren’t just going to disappear overnight, were they.

A thorough denazification and integration programme was set up with support from the US and Israel, but was found to be unnecessary, as most of the army were happy to leave their jungle fortress and integrate into a brazilian society full of beautiful women and samba music.

Your average Brazilian was less enthusiastic about their entry into society. Despite thorough military training, they were banned from entry into the Brazilian army, and no support was given to them by the government.  The result was Hitler ghettos, peppering the slums of Rio De Janiero.  Many entered into organised crime, while others followed in the footsteps of disenfranchised people everywhere andturned to radical right wing political groups.

A riot in the streets of Rio left 14 Hitlers dead when police opened fire on a peaceful protest against systematic discrimination.  This was followed by a report in Life magazine about the plight of the Brazilian Hitlers, leading to much international condemnation of Brazil for being no better than South Africa.  Eventually, reforms were brought in to aid their social plight.

Today life is better for the Men from Brazil, many of whom hold  highly respected positions in Brazilian society, and can be seen with their families on the beaches of Brazil, and while discrimination hate crimes still affect this much maligned social group, their lot in life is surely getting better.

QIYUF#2
15 August, 2008

Being Australian aside, Kangaroos are my favourite animal.

  • Unlike most megafauna, the grey kangaroo actually had a population explosion when europeans chopped down the forests and put fences across the plains.  This is because the greys prefer grassland to forests and fences do NOTHING to stop roos ( though other breeds of macropods that lived in the forests did suffer).
  • Kangaroos are the only mammal killed for meat while pregnant, something that is quite a concern for animal activists.  Though this is because wilf female roos are ALWAYS pregnant. they give birth to two joeys, one grows while the other stays in its little jellybaby form by drinking a special milk of the mother.  When the growing joey is too big, the mum kicks it out of the pouch, and the other gets a chance to grow.  It then goes back into heat and becomes pregnant again with more joeys, meaning it’s always pregnant.
  • Kangaroo meat is cheaper than beef in most Australian Supermarkets.
  • Kangaroos actually use less energy when hopping at high speeds than when they are stepping along the ground, thanks to the efficient manner in which it moves.
  • Kangaroos drown dogs.  When attacked by dogs, they run into water, turn around,  then lean back, put their feet up and when the dog gets too close, they slam their feet down and drown the dog.  The only other animal to drown its predators is the giant octopus, which has been recorded wrestling sharks until the sharks suffocate.
  • Kangaroos have four vaginas.  one in, two out and a third one across which no one really knows about.
  • Arent roos brilliant?

Schrodinger Cat Cruelty Case Fails.
14 August, 2008

The controversial Wave Pty Ltd, producer of the “Schrodinger Cat in the Box” novelty pets and toys won a crucial victory in the Supreme Court of Victoria today, as the animal cruelty charges brought by the RSPCA were thrown out due to a lack of evidence.

“There were major uncertainties with the evidence before the Court,” Commented Justice Planck, “Despite claims made by 50% of the customers of the Defendant, the plaintiff was unable to prove that the cats were dead when delivered by the defendant.”

Due to the complex nature of the corporate structure of the Wave Corporate Group, further complications arose from uncertainties as to the correct Defendant.  “The Plaintiff was unable to show, at any time, both the identity of the Defendant or the direction in which the Defendant was heading.”

Despite this victory, the Wave Group is still under the shadow of massic compensation claims from dissatisfied customers, which could potentially force all of the companies in the group into liquidation, though the amount of compensation to be sought remains uncertain.  Said an ACCC Spokesman on the matter of the uncertain compensation, “The quantum will not be known until the Waves collapse.”

A Pornorgraphic Experiment
13 August, 2008

A simple experiment in Porn.

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After a post titled ‘Comics and Porn’ became my most viewed post, I want to see if I get more hits when the word Porn is used in my post title.

Stendhal Bomb
12 August, 2008

The effect was first noticed by a military scientist while on holiday in Florence with his wife.  After two years of testing, it was deployed in the fifth Iraq conflict against Sino-Russian personnel. 

Borrowing from the primary fuel blast of MOABs and Blu-82 Daisy Cutters, the glass crystals are spread by altitude triggered primary blast.

The secondary blast lasts 2.5 seconds,  1.5 seconds longer than necessary to ensure effectiveness. It is not a blast at all, but a high powered multi-directional laser on the blu-ray wavelength, carrying crude, non ditigal optical information, sending out a dense packet of visual stimuli equal to thirty Louvres worth of art in millisecondand throughthe blast radius via the dispersed crystals.

Those within the blast radius have the entire body of Romantic works from the French, English and Italian school downloaded directly into their brain,  inducing Stendhal Syndrome – increased heartbeat, dizziness, confusion, hallucinations of a debilitating yet pleasant nature, eventually leading to cardiac arrest or catatonia. The result of overexposure to fine works of art. 

Weaponised art.

Fridge
11 August, 2008

“Dad?”

“Yes, darling?”

“When I opened the fridge to get some milk, it was reading a magazine with a naked woman on it and when it saw me it said some naughty words and threw a cigarette at me only the cigarette smelled funny and then it said ‘crap, m’joint.’

“Hmm. Sounds like the milk’s gone bad.  Have some orange juice instead, dear.”

Comics and Porn
10 August, 2008

Comic book stores have too much in common with adult book stores. 

 

Both cover up their front windows, avoiding natural night and hiding the interior away from the world. They both cater to a crowd of unwashed 30 something men who have foregone friendship and social interaction for fantasy, coming and going alone from the shop with a brown paper bag in hand, full of this week’s ‘literature’.  The man behind the desk is the kind of person whom any conversation, even one about the weather, leaves you with a bad taste in your mouth.  Behind this man is rack upon rack of toys of an unwholesome nature – some you’d understand and probably have one or two at home, but at the other end is stuff that’s just wrong.  If you spent long enough in one, you’d see someone you know enter, buy something and leave … and you’ll never look at that person the same way again.

 

In fact, the only real difference between the two is that there’s more teenage boys in the adult book store.

 

But the scary thing, the truly scary thing is that you pity those people – you think they’re weird and sorry and lonely and in need of some semblance of a normal life, but they’re happier than you, probably more content with their life than you’ll ever be.

 

Maybe a little fantasy would do you good.

August 1888, Austria Germany
9 August, 2008

Suddenly, Klara Hitler withdrew from Alois’ Lips and looked at him.  He looked at her through the haze of passion that had broke the vase and table, and paused halfway through taking off his dinner jacket.

“Do you have protection?” She asked, her chest heaving, and her brow furrowed with concern. Alois Hitler couldn’t do anything but stare at her red, moist lips, his brain’s higher functions being almost overriden by messages from other parts of his body.  He drew his gaze away from her moist red lips and looked at her pleadingly.

“Umm..” he said, but in her passion, she interrupted him by kissing him deeply.

“Fuck it,” She said in gasping breath, “What’s the worse that can happen?” and he pulled her towards him and they resumed their way to the bedroom.